Driving through Hyde Park- and - Child Centered Parenting

The other day I had to go to Target, in kind of the snooty part of town, near Hyde Park.... your town may have one of these areas too?....you know it because EVERYONE shops at Whole foods after their Candleliht Yoga class ( I love yoga- AND Whole Foods, but you know what I mean right?). A momma from the email playlist had mentioned some bumgenius cloth diapers on Clearance at Target that I was hoping to buy before they sold out... So while driving in Hyde Park, in an area that I am not very familiar with, I ran into lots of yuppie types that one doesn't normally see in my little "regular folk" neighborhood. It was exhausting!

While searching for Target, I have a fussy baby who hates her car seat, (she prefers the baby sling) and a 7 year old asking me questions about earth science...so God forbid I don't turn right away, at the first second the light turns green! I am a good driver, considerate, and I pay attention to the road, I don't text while driving or anything like that...but the man behind me is honking and throwing his hands up in the air because he doesn't like how I cautiously yield on green, so sorry, but my kids safety must come first, Mr. Self -Centered.

I finally find target, and am about to pull into the parking spot, when a man zooms in front of me and takes my spot. I had my blinker on, and he saw me, but he put himself first, and cut in front of me. I am tiny bit stressed from the drive and I regroup while nursing baby in the parking lot. And I start thinking about how self centered people irk me. Don't act like they don't irk you! I am not even saying that I am never self-centered, but I hope this is not how I act on a regular basis.

And that leads me to wonder how self-centered people became self-centered.

I think their parents taught it to them. I think it is a learned behavior.
But not in the way you think.

When I see child centered families, I feel sad for the children. I think it makes the children insecure, and uncomfortbale, with their parents staring at them all day long asking THEM what they want to do. I think kids like to be folded in to a parents life, along for the ride, helping adults do their chores, and running off for independant play, then coming back to the adult now and then to help, or watch, or talk about what they are doing, or ask questions ( Mom, how do ariplanes fly?) of the adult WHILE the adult is choring away (like when I wear my baby on my back doing my chores, THOSE are her most pleasant, cheerful moments).

A couple hundred years ago, families were not child centered, but community centered. Everyone did chores, mom was busy doing her chores, and dad doing his. Kids did their chores, and then were off to play in the creek. Parents were busy making sure everyone would have food for winter, not if Johnny felt happy, and entertained all day long. Johnny had to learn how to play on his own after HIS chores were done.

I am sure parents had time to play with thier kids, but I doubt they played with them all day long. If so, the corn would not grow, and no one would have had clean clothes to wear, and humanity would not have made it, becuase, well there were no washers to do this chore for them or Krogers to buy their corn if they didn't feel like growing it that year.

Flash forward to 2010. Things are so different- and don't get me wrong i LOVE my washer, dishwasher, and irobot who cleans my floors. I am not about to go wash my clothes in the creek (well they wouldn't get clean anyhow becuase it is probably just my neighbors glorified septic run-off, who's kidding who here!)
But I think it is good for kids to see adults doing real work. My son follows behind me as I walk the laundry up and downstairs, and organize closets, then back to his schoolwork, or to his room to play with his action figures if his school work chore is done. I don't stare at him all day, and feel obligated to entertain him or play games with him all day. We do our school work, which is a mutual chore, and then he is happy to play and be a kid, while I am happy to be an adult. Sure I read to him, and sometimes we take a break to play outside, but what adult REALLY wants to play Candyland all day long....to me this would be a type of pergatory torture!

In my 20's I was a nanny. I thankfully had an awesome family to work for. I didn't sit around and play with their child all day long. I did stuff, and went places, to the bank, and to run errands, and the child tailed along. Of course I saw to his physcial and emotional needs and held his hand in the parking lot and all that, and we would often even go to the park, where I met other nannys who would all chat and socialize while the kids played.... but even then, before I had my own kids, I instinctively felt it would not be good for this darling 3 year old- if I were to just sit around and STARE at him all day long, asking him what HE wanted to do. When I started working there, he had some behavioral problems, but eventually these fell by the wayside, and he became very bonded to me. We had a relaxed easy going relationhship, where I did not expect him to GUIDE ME (the adult) all day, but he was secure as I was about my own business, and he was happy to come along for the ride. Less pressure on him, leaving him the joyful FREEDOM I think kids crave, to just be a kid. Kids like to play with other kids, if you have a baby in the house, you know this, baby prefers playing with the siblings, other children.

So I have to wonder if modern day parents are not creating future self-centered adults, in a mis-guided effort to be "good" parents.
"Johnny what color of crayon do you want mommy to hand you" might be smartly replaced with "Johnny, hand mommy that wash rag out of the clean laundry bin so I can fold it"....and before you know it Johnny is back in his room, or to the rug, living out much needed child hood games, and fantasies, flying his dragon through the air, and having creative play on his own. (NOT playing guided play that the VIDEO GAME directs him to do all day, but THAT"S another story...or maybe it is the same one?...a video game is really just a kind of glorified, ROBOTIC, computerized ADULT telling Johnny WHICH button to push on the controller, to keep him busy and quiet)

I love hearing the pitter patter of little feet, or the action dramas played out in kid sound effects, while I am paying my bills and doing my adult chores. I love being with my kids.....but I also love being an adult, and I think that my kids SEE it is pleasant to be an adult, and satisfying to get work and chores done... And one day, when they are done with their dragons,and child like play, they will grow up and do the same, not expecting others to pander to THEM all day long.

And hopefully my son will not steal the parking spot of a frazzled mom driving into Target when he is an adult, because he will not think the world is ALL about him, and HIS needs only.

p.s. I am not the only one who feels this way. Jean Liedloff, who spent many years with the Yequana Indians makes a very similar argument, you can view it at the link here
http://books.google.com/books?id=W4GviNYO9hAC&lpg=PR14&ots=Of3nXM2CRM&dq=continuum%20concept%20child%20centered&pg=PR14#v=onepage&q&f=false